The D Word
In almost every intimate relationship - be it romantic, familial, or other - there is at least one person who’s default response to conflict is defensiveness. Defensiveness is, according to John Gottman, one of the four horsemen that can contribute to the fall of a relationship. Defensiveness inadvertently dismisses the other person’s feelings and experience. Defensiveness says to the other “your truth is invalid”. It often then derails the focus from being on the original issue.
In my work with individuals and couples, I have found that addressing our own defensiveness begins with uncovering the root system under this type of response. There are a multitude of things that make up our root system, and one of those is our core beliefs about ourselves and our relationships. Here are just a few core beliefs that may be present at the root of defensiveness:
I can do no wrong
I put others before myself
I am highly considerate and compassionate
I am a good partner, friend, etc. (and people should be appreciative of all I do for them)
I have pure intentions
I am a good person
To sum it up, defensive people often think highly of themselves and their intentions, therefore are unaccepting of accusations or confrontations that highlight even the slightest wrongdoing on their part. Being curious about why we are prone to feeling and behaving defensively can be a transformative process. Using that curiosity and introspection can allow us to begin deconstructing some of those core beliefs in order to show up more authentically in our relationships. Here’s an example of how these core beliefs can be deconstructed and reframed:
I will do wrong even when I try hard not to
I enjoy serving others, and sometimes think of myself first
I can be considerate and compassionate, and sometimes not as much as I want to
I value my relationships and am open to learning how to best show up in them
I have healthy intentions and sometimes still miss the mark
I am a good person and also an imperfect person
If you are the one who is often defensive, remember that someone throwing the flag or blowing the whistle on something you’ve done that has hurt or offended them is not necessarily a direct attack on your character or intentions. Perhaps try viewing it from a perspective of, “this person values their relationship with me, otherwise they might not be bringing this up.” Stay soft, open, and willing to learn.
If you are the one often feeling exhausted by someone’s defensive nature, you might find yourself sinking deeper into avoidance and accommodation. Maybe you’ve thought “Bringing any feedback to this person is a losing battle, so I will just keep it to myself.” Remember, someone’s defensive attitude or behavior is not something you have to accept.
